I’ve wasted my precious time on all kinds of silly things and people but watching bad movies is the only time I’ve actually regretted doing so. Have I learned anything from it? Not much, just that they’d let anybody slap a movie together these days. So, what causes a specific creation to end up on the list of worst movies ever made, you’d probably ask. Is it the boredom, the viewer’s instant need to choke on a popcorn or the realization that somewhere deep inside his skull, the brain cells are starting to wither and die, one by one? All of the above, hun, and If you’ve ever felt that way while watching one of the following movies, then you’ll understand my need for sarcasm, the expression I rarely use… unless needed, of course. Do take a peek at my black list of 7 worst movies ever made by a human and tell me if I’m being terribly mean, petty and unforgiving?
One really has to be an artist to take such a great historic moment and an even better cast, mix it all up and create three hours of complete and utter boredom! I’ve watched it with a friend of mine and, as it turned out, we were both bored to death but kept our mouth shut, hoping the other one is actually enjoying it. LOL! I could have done something more productive and less painful like gaze at the sun, whip myself unconscious, read a few chapters of War and Peace or… oh gosh… study! Nope… strike these last two as they would have actually been pleasant to do.
2. The Matrix
The ones who have actually bothered to understand what was it about probably liked but for me, this was just a bag full of nonsense! I’m talking about all of them, especially the last one that kind of left me wondering, "Am I really that stupid?" A lot of running around, the fuss, guns… I really hate it all, especially when there isn’t a lot of talking involved. You know, elaborate sentences interrupted by short action scenes, not the other way around.
3. Scary Movie(s)
Guessing which movies they’ve chosen for their little half-ass parody was a piece of cake and the only reward an average viewer will get in exchange for all those brain cells dying with every second of every scene. No, I’m not saying all forms of entertainment have to be uplifting, educational and intelligent, I’m just saying there is a ton of other, much better movies that actually deserve being put in the “comedy” genre. This… this is a mockery, the worst of the worst movies ever made, although it faces some strong competition, as you’re about to find out if you keep reading.
4. The Hottie and the Nottie
Why, oh, why!? I can’t believe I was foolish enough to believe anything with Paris Hilton in the lead role would be worth watching. If you thought this little daddy’s girl is shallow, wait until you see the actual movie and the message it sends out to the world. You gotta be hottie, luv, or the prince charming would never lay his eyes on you! Shameful! I’d give each one of them a shovel and sent them to a potato farm to teach them a lesson! You want the worst movie ever, ever and ever? Well look no further than this one!
5. The Son of the Mask
I just hate half-ass sequels! Rule number one – don’t make a sequel if you can’t get it to be at least as good as its predecessor. Rule number two – reduce the need to recast to a minimum. And rule number three – if you must recast somebody, make sure it has nothing to do with the leads! Break these three rules and you’ll have the honor of seeing your masterpiece on the worst movies ever made list of every little cyber worm on the planet. Including this one! But seriously – a Mask WITHOUT Jim Carrey?! Dude!
6. Lord of the Rings
Oh, where should I start? I loved the books, read them all a couple of times, even took notes and made little summaries… yup, that’s how much I liked it! And the movie, or should I say movies, came as a huge disappointment. Yes, we know you’ve mastered the special effects, congrats but that’s the only thing you’re going to be receiving congrats for! Boredom mixed with rage, that’s the feeling I had while watching my favorite side characters and sub-plots are being trivialized and reduced to nothing for the sole purpose of leaving extra time for special effects.
7. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Another lame attempt to cash in by tricking people into buying the tickets for something that should have been at least as half as good as the actual book! I’ve read the book, seen the movie (oh the pain…) and the only thing I can say is this – if this was the director’s take on it, I’d have him committed to a mental institution this second! Do not watch it but read the book instead and, if you’ve already had the misfortune of watching it, please do not use that to judge the book as it has nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing, in common with this sorry excuse for a movie.
Would you agree with me on the fact that any one of these movies could easily be the worst one? Or you’ve seen others that could give the sentence “the worst movies ever” a whole new meaning? Hey, tell me what you think even if that means totally disagreeing with everything I’ve wrote here.
Top Photo Credit: nhussein