I love to read, I think I've probably mentioned that about a million times. So, I'm protective of books that get made into movies – when they aren't good, of course. I think next I'm going to tackle not so great books that made pretty phenomenal movies, but first off, here's my takes on 9 books that did not make great movies at all. Also, I'm highlighting the books, because I love y'all and don't want you to be subjected to crap movies.
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I've refrained myself from putting Stephen King on here too much, but I had to include this one. This isn't one of my favorite novellas by King, but it is good. The movie, however, was horrible. I was kind of excited, because it came out in, what, 2007, I think, and I was thinking they'd really be able to pull off the mist and monsters. They did. They just screwed up everything else.
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What's that? You've never actually seen a movie called A Prayer for Owen Meany? That's because John Irving wouldn't let them call it that – with good reason. You may know it as Simon Birch. I know it as That Film, because I refuse to see it. I simply won't do that to Owen.
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I waited forever for Thomas Harris to come out with another Hannibal movie … and I got this. I mean, I watched the movie anyway, but Gaspard Ulliel's hotness is one of its only redeeming qualities. Harris rushed the book, so the movie could be made, and it shows. Really bad note to go out on; I think, in real life, Lecter would dine on him for his rudeness.
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Tom Wolfe is a fantastic writer, and Bonfire is a fantastic book. But the movie? The movie is just so much garbage. I often try to find a redeeming quality in most movies, but in a lot of these, there aren't many. In this one … ugh. And it sucks, because I'm totally in love with both Tom hanks and Bruce Willis.
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Don't hate me … but compared to the book, this was an awful movie. It spends more time on the sex than anything else – and I get it, okay, Demi Moore is hot in various stages of undress. Cool. But the accents sucked and the plot sucked and it made me sad for Nathaniel Hawthorne.
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I love Dr. Seuss. I generally love Mike Myers as well. This is proof, however, that the two should never, ever have met. Ever. This was such a bad movie. Most people will put How the Grinch Stole Christmas on their list, but compared to this, that was a masterpiece. Even though it had Taylor Momsen in it.
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I don't mean the original, with Jack Nicholson. That was a masterpiece. The 1997 remake, however, was the biggest steaming load I've ever had the displeasure to watch. I hate the ongoing Hollywood trend of remaking movies that were good in the first place, like they're going to make them better. You're not! Stop!
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I love Toni Morrison's novels so much, and this one is one of my favorites. The movie, however … I know Oprah was trying to pay homage, but … it didn't work. At all. That movie makes me cringe – and it's sad, really, because Oprah was wonderful in The Color Purple. Maybe that was what prompted her to take on Toni.
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I talk a lot of smack about V. C. Andrews' books – but only the ghostwritten ones. I love the ones she actually wrote herself, and Flowers in the Attic is one of my favorites. I have no idea why they made a movie out of it, because of course they weren't going to allow the incestuous storyline. But it's such a big part of the book that the story is empty without it – and then you get a big cinematic let down.
I know sometimes you cannot be 100 percent true to the story. But, I don't know, how about then, you just leave the book alone and don't make a movie about it. Are there any book-to-film adaptations that you just hate?
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