7 Really Stupid Action Movies ...

I love a good action movie and by that I don’t mean movies that start with the sound of a thousand bullets going off and end with a tanker falling from the sky and going ‘kaboom’ on impact with the ground and very little in between to hold your attention. For me a good action movie has to have a great story as well, not just super-sonic car chases, gravity defying stunts, and Dolby digital sound effects. Now, the list of really stupid action movies that I am drawing up here is from a purely subjective point of view. Please don’t go all defensive on me, if you happen to like any of them. At the same time, your feedback on these movies is, as always, heartily welcomed. So, let’s get straight to where the action is and see what has made it to my list of ridiculous action movies.

1. Crank 1 & 2

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These two movies are so bad they shouldn’t be on this list at all. I should have a separate list of “movies that came from a distorted parallel dimension” and place them there. Crank is like a video game for the brain dead and the non-stop sequence of racy (read dumb) action scenes would make even a zombie cringe.

While the first one has a plausible story line (Statham injected with a poison that kills if your heart rate drops) the second dispels with all notion of rationality. A Chinese guy STEALS Statham’s heart replaces it with a BATTERY POWERED TICKER which has to be charged with regular jolts of electricity. Really? Really?

2. Kill Bill 1

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My apologies to all Quentin Tarantino fans. I mean absolutely no disrespect here at all but if this list were discussing the most stylized movies of all time, Kill Bill-1 would top the list. After all, this movie is nothing more than a highly stylized revenge flick that has scene after scene of gory (yet unbelievable) violence, each one bloodier than the last. Did I leave the hall looking forward to the sequel? I don’t think so! And that alone is enough for me to dismiss the movie as an utter failure.

3. The Marine

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A lot of people went for this movie because it featured John Cena. And I think that’s about all the appeal this movie can lay claim to – John Cena. Beyond that, the movie is poorly put together and overdone in every way possible. If watching Cena in the ring was intense pleasure for wrestling fans, watching him in this movie is going to be intensely painful. He looks good, he fights good, but does he really act good? I think his histrionics are (and should be) limited to his grunts and capers inside the ring. A strong contender for one of the top positions of really stupid action movies of all times!

4. Iron Man 2

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The first installment of the movie was fantastic by all standards but the second part failed to live up to my expectations, even with Mickey Rourke playing around with the electrical squid-cum-tarantula body extensions. In sharp contrast to the relatively simple story of a snobbish, I-don’t-care-two-hoots, megamind Tony Stark discovering the mushier and more responsible side of him, Iron Man 2 thrives purely on action scenes.

5. The Gamer

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From the makers of Crank 1 & 2 comes yet another mindless flick that is packed with little less than gore, violence, guns, and loud noises. I wouldn’t say the story is absent, it’s a little translucent – you can barely make out it’s there at all. If you enjoy squandering ninety minutes of your life on techno sludge, be my guest. I am happy putting this movie on this list of really stupid action movies.

6. Commando

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This is a typical Arnold movie. With bulges popping up from every conceivable (and inconceivable) part of the body, this one man demolition machine goes on a shooting spree to save his daughter. Putting together the story are really bad one liners, Arnold’s poker face expression throughout the movie, and his single-handed annihilation of an island-full of goons…without so much as breaking into sweat!

7. Demolition Man

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It breaks my heart to put this movie on the list coz I really like Sylvester Stallone. He’s given us some really fine action movies – Cliffhanger, Rocky series, the Rambo series – but Demolition Man is plain disappointing. A cop is brought back from cryogenically frozen state to deal with one of the most violent criminals of his time who, by the way, has managed to escape his “icy” condition (pray, why did they need to preserve this killing machine?) and is now going to create havoc in the peace-loving, non-violent futuristic society. Humm-haw-hmph-whatever!

Uff…I am exhausted. Drawing up this list of really stupid action movies has taken its toll on me. Now, I am going to rejuvenate myself by watching something from my all-time favorite collection. By the way, what’s your contribution to this list?

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